Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics
The holiday season brings with it a much deserved rest but also increased time with family members who may be very stressed, difficult to deal with and/or have very different perspectives on all manner of aspects of life to our own. Often I'm asked how we are best to navigate these dynamics - which could be family, colleagues, in-laws or friends.
Firstly, we want to have accurate expectations. If we expect that suddenly this person will have changed and become an adaptable, flexible, open-minded, friendly brand new version of themselves this Christmas, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Disappointment brings suffering. There is an analogy that we use in our tradition - that of the walnut tree and the mango tree. We should not go to the walnut tree expecting to be given mangoes. If we know that every time we visit the walnut tree (our challenging family member) that they dish up walnuts, then we cannot be disappointed and are less likely to be upset by their behaviour, which may not be of the standard that we would desire, or in fact exhibit ourselves. If, however, we keep going to the walnut tree expecting that today, this week, this year, suddenly it's going to deliver mangoes we will continually be disappointed and suffer as a result. We may even be able to smilingly enjoy the same old walnuts time after time if our expectations are accurate.
Secondly, it's good to remember that everyone is acting according to their own state of consciousness, always. This is a Universal law that is unchanging. The lion will act according to its leonine instincts. The spider will always weave a web. Humans too, will act according to their level of consciousness. Behaviours we may have engaged in five years ago, we may now view as somewhat immature, or less integrated than our more refined behaviours. Consciousness has expanded, and with it come more expansive, integrated behaviours and ways of relating. When we were eight years old we may have taken $10 out of dad's wallet without asking, but at 30 that would seem unthinkable. So we all have capacity for change, but that is dependent on our state of consciousness, and its rate of expansion. We know that meditation accelerates this growth exponentially. When interacting with others, who may be exhibiting lesser evolved states of consciousness, and/or who have a more stressed physiology, then we can remind ourselves that we have walnut consciousness on our hands. We don't have any judgement for this - it's simply evident to us, which gives us information in how we may wish to respond.
Trying to change them, convince them of change or expecting them to change is likely to be a futile exercise. There will be resistance to this. Change occurs from within when that person makes a choice of their own volition to change, and we will know that time has arrived as they will come to us with genuine inquiry as to how they may be able to overcome some of the challenges they're experiencing. If there is no inquiry of this nature, then our job is to accept them where they're at - to learn to love the walnuts, but not to be expecting mangoes where none are yet to be found.
Thirdly, we can move into a state of appreciation. In that moment when the motherload of walnuts is being dished out, we want to dive deeper into our awareness to favour that unbounded layer of unity at which we are at one with all - the walnut tree, is in fact, extended self. When we choose to favour that, to settle into our least excited state of awareness (which can be experienced outside of meditation by choosing to favour it, after so many times of consistent exposure) then we can find stability and the deeper truth in the face of the load of walnuts. We can even start to appreciate the finer features of the walnut tree - perhaps the gnarly trunk is quite beautiful, perhaps the way the sun is dancing on the leaves of the tree is captivating. See to what extent you can find something to appreciate in their features or personality. This is a very powerful act. We are choosing to be in a state of appreciation, it's a loving act. They will sense the shift in the flavour of your attention, and we may even see some change in their behaviour as a result, though we remain unattached to that - we are still standing before the walnut tree after all. There's always something to appreciate and it allows us to place our attention on that which we want to see grow rather than watering the weeds - those less desirable qualities.
Finally, we naturally always have the choice to remove ourselves from a situation, or conversation if we find that it's not deserving of our attention. We can always excuse ourself to take some air/wash the dishes/enjoy the innocence of the children.
These strategies, when employed, can completely shift the dynamics of challenging interactions. Enjoy the unity with family over the coming holiday season, I'm so grateful to have such wonderful students committed to their own evolution, it is after all the student which makes the teacher.
Wishing you all the best with your meditation and the Christmas season ahead.
Much love and Jai Guru Deva*
Georgia x
*victory of light over darkness/ignorance
